POWER RANGERS FAN CLUB VIDEO!!!
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Yeah, I got into Power Rangers. I was with them from the beginning. I saw the first episode and never missed an episode till all the space-traveling showed up. Alien Rangers are not Power Rangers. It didn’t replace Ninja Turtles, but it was all fun. I could probably name every monster they fought and how each of them were defeated. I know all of the Rangers’ last names. I too debate why Mr. Ticklesneezer is in Finster’s Book of Monsters in the episode when everyone holds a surprise birthday party with Zack when Mr. Ticklesneezer is a figment of Trini’s imagination.

Yet, even at ten years old, I never considered joining the Power Rangers Fan Club.

I’ve always had a general distrust in fan clubs for some reason, and have never joined one. I can’t really explain it, I just have always known that anything I got in a fan club package wouldn’t be all that great. I knew I could buy much cooler things at Toys R Us and K-Mart. There just wasn’t any point to it.

Not too long ago, I came across someone’s copy of the tape that came with the Power Rangers Fan Club package. And really, I’m glad.

The tape’s from 1994, near the end of the first season. Everyone’s present, including Tommy, who was just recently reacquainted with his powers after Goldar melted away the Green Candle. Following me so far? Good. The six are hanging out in the school halls, just sort of chilling, till Jason takes notice of the camera and they say hi and introduce themselves. Which, if this tape actually had anything to do with the series, is completely wrong, because the Rangers have to keep their identities secret.

Oh, well. Welcome to the Fan Club.

So, what exactly did you get in this Fan Club package? Besides the video, you got a name tag, shoe laces, and a bunch of autographed photos. Apparently, this is all you need to become a JUNIOR POWER RANGER!!! Which, it turns out, is the purpose of the whole deal. Zordon isn’t satisfied in leaving the world in the hands of a bunch of 20-somethings that are still in their freshman year at high school, now he needs a bunch of six-year olds running around karate chopping Muppets.

So, apparently, we should expect a few martial arts demos, some enemy profiles, and some basic guidelines, right? It’s not like the Power Rangers weren’t teachers of violence. Not long after this tape was released, a karate-teaching video came out hosted by the Green Ranger. You’ll understand when it turned out this tape had nothing to do with fighting at all.

For the rest of the day, whenever anybody says the secret word, scream real loud. Ready?

The theme song kicks in, followed by scenes from what looks like a Power Rangers concert I’ve never heard of. Kids hang around outside with their giant Zord toys (which, in my opinion, are some of the best vehicle toys ever put together), screaming like little maniacs inside, and finally realizing that, yes, the Yellow Ranger has breasts.

Wait a sec, D.A.R.E. T-shirts… you don’t think…

Meanwhile at the Command Center, Alpha-5 and Zordon greet their guests, but don’t seem to have a clue what to do after that. After a little confusion, Zordon agrees to give the viewers a detailed history how the Power Rangers came to be. Alpha stutters and switches on “history mode.” Somewhere in the Power Ranger Command Center, there is a history mode button. My car needs a history mode.

Ok, I’ll be truthful, this history bit is the only reason I’m reviewing this tape. For one, it’s a completely different history than what was given in the first episode (which would be rewritten again the time MMPR:TM showed up). It comes with a whole bunch of clips never before seen in the series, including a brief scene of Zordon in his humanoid form and some rare, but brief, Scorpina clips (the Boba Fett of the Power Rangers universe). Third, Alpha says “Rita was really steamed!” which is really funny.

For those unfamiliar with the behind-the-scenes, during it’s first few seasons, over 75% of each episode where actually clips taken from Kyôryû sentai Juurenjâ, a Japanese kiddy show meant to steal from the big bucks Ultraman was getting. In fact, only the scenes with the Rangers out of costume and the Command Center scenes were filmed in America. Everything else was basically stock footage redubbed to fit the new plot line. All these scenes used in history mode is just a bunch of never-used overseas clips, which is why Zordon is suddenly a Christopher Llyod-esque wizard.

Alpha tells of the long 10,000 year war between Zordon and Rita, which usually consisted of Rita shuttling around in a Nasa rocket ship and Zordon and Rita playing hot potato with a cheap plastic skull. I ain’t kidding. Eventually, Rita calls for a truce, but tricks Zordon into a dimensional portal, trapping him foreverandeverandever. Luckily, Zordon has a few tricks up his sleeve.

Enter Zordon’s magic space dumpster, which looks 100% different from the one we see later. By the way, for some reason, the said space dumpster also trapped Scorpina, which it shouldn’t have, since Scorpina never came out of it in the first episode (she was hiding in a cave on Earth). I have my own theories into this, the main one that these clips are actually from the mysterious “last episode” that would have aired if Power Rangers wasn’t renewed for another season. The “last episode” had the Rangers banishing Rita and her henchmen into another dumpster, I can only assume this one, and that includes Scopina. Which, of course, gives the Fan Club video makers no right to use it.

We also get some shots of Rita dancing and plotting inside the space dumpster. If you ever wanted to watch Rita sway like she was from Hawaii, here’s your chance.

Finally, we get back on track with the regular story, in which two astronauts (with hoods not connected to their suits?) land on the moon (with a planet in between the moon and Earth?) to find a completely different space dumpster and they open it and Rita comes out blah blah blah.

Back to new footage, mainly of Rita wrecking cities and killing people. Which, as you know, she never does in the series. It’s kinda cool to see Rita move buildings with her mind. Would have made her much more of a threat in the show. Building-moving-with-mind Rita lot cool.

So, yeah, Zordon calls upon the five teenagers who become the Power Rangers, and life is good as we know it.

INTERVIEWS!

Yeah, in-character interviews with the different Rangers. Everything in these are completely improved, which proves one thing: None of the Power Rangers can improve. Truth be told, they were never really good actors to begin with, but take away their scripts, and they’re god awful. We start with Jason, who talks about his training in martial arts and how he tries to keep all the boys off the lawn. This is intercut with blurry red-filtered shows of Jason fighting the air blindfolded. As if he didn’t know where the air was.

Alright, now we’re talking! The six things we need to do to become official Junior Power Rangers (Is like anything like Clue Jr.?) Zack tells us that our first task is… to do something nice around the house, like take out the trash. WHAT!?! I did that before writing this article! And, for the life of me, I have never seen any of the Power Rangers take out the trash. Nor would they put trash in front of their mission to save the world from Godzilla-sized chickens.

Next up is Trini, who talks about the things she likes to eat, which, oddly, doesn’t consist of a “bunch of fruits and vegetables.” Trini giggles a bit and then talks about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend. All while rubbing her right earring, which makes her goes through giggle-spazzes every other minute. HeheheHAHHAHAHgig

Task #2 is… volunteering for a noble cause…. like… like volunteering to kick Putty ass, right? And speaking of Putty Ass…

We kick off with a “MUSIC VIDEO OF BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE POWER RANGERS!!!” Their grammar, not mine. Really, it’s nothing more than the Power Rangers theme playing again with a few clips from the show and a few clips of Kimberly talking to the production assistant. The only two scenes of interest are pictured above: Bulk spitting a bunch of orange juice into Skull’s face, and a Putty’s buttcrack.

Task #3 is… being a good stuDAMNIT

Zach is far more insane in his interview than in the show, which is saying something. No, really, Zack here is totally crazy. If you thought Trini was giggley, Zack is the fricken Joker. At the tip of the hat, Zack will grin and look deep into the camera, sending shivers down the spines of everyone in the room. I don’t know what’s worse, that Zack could snap at any moment and kill you, or that he later credits Elton John and Billy Joel for his love of hip hop. I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

Task #4: Learn a new skill… like karate, right? Karate?

Billy proves once again that he is the best character in the series by having the best interview. We actually go into detail about his character, about his fear of fish and his one-day stint with his girlfriend, pictured right. Not model material, but trust me, for Billy, he could do a LOT worse. However, we didn’t see her after the stint with Madam Woe. We can only hope it ended on happy grounds. Yeah, I remember Madam Woe. Shut up.

Speaking of relationships, we cut to the Tommy interview, in which Tommy talks about how much he like Kimberly, them being the only official pairing in the Power Rangers saga. Tommy’s something of an interesting character, the longest-lasting and more dimensional of any Power Ranger. Which, of course, doesn’t come across at all during the interview. Tommy was a bad guy, BTW. I’ve run out of things to say.

Oh, screw it.

Kimberly was still in her material girl phase at this point, and wouldn’t mature till around the 2nd or 3rd season. She too is a giggler, and apparently a guitarist, though I don’t think she ever played during the show. We cut to scenes to that one episode where she had to land that plane with Bulk and Skull sleeping in the back seats, most of which consists of shots of Kimberly’s girly pores. Yech.

Ok, last task. It better be good. What are the things I need to do to become a Junior Power Ranger?…

Jason: You need to follow D.A.R.E.’s 8 rules to say no on drugs…

And this will help me kill Rita…. how?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I WILL PUNCH YOU!!!

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