World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis


The Setting


Four dark figures sit alone in a musty room staring at a glaring television set. Scantily clad figures flash across the screen as the group stares intently at it. Somewhere, on a stage, David Hasselhoff (tm) is singing.

“Dude, Baywatch is totally radical!”

“Totally. Hey, pass me some more pizza dude!”

“No prob, dude.”

Their respite is interrupted by a lone figure, lightning flashing in his eyes. He moves between the four and the TV and drops a scroll on the coffee table.

The man speaks with a raspy, vaguely Scottish voice, “You five have been chosen to represent the Realm of Earth in Mortal Kombat(TM). The fate of the world rests on your shoul… hey, wait a minute, there are only four of you. This will not do. You must find… another.”

“Uh, we could get Casey Jones, dude. I mean only if we can find him,” chimes in Raphael.

“What do you mean? He’s been in our outhouse for twenty minutes.” Donatello says.

“We don’t have an outhouse.” Leonardo reminds the group.

“Oh, CRAP, my TOOL SHED!?!” Michaelangelo screams as he runs from the room.

The figure speaks once more, “Look, just get to Hong Kong, the boat leaves at five-thirty. Um, well, after Baywatch of course.”. The lone figure sits down to watch the television.

“Hey dude, don’t bogart that pizza!” says Raphael.

After a miserable trip on a century old boat, the five arrive at a palace on a misty island. They are greeted and shown to a table. A man enters the room. After a moment, he speaks.

“Welcome to Mortal Kombat(TM). The rules have, ahem, changed slightly this year. You were supposed to be defending your planet, but unfortunately, the outworlders have been delayed by a public transit strike. So, to kill the time until their cab gets here, we decided to get five of the toughest people on your planet, and pit them against you. Whichever side wins Mortal Kombat(TM) will be known as the champions of your realm and the losers will be food for either a rottweiler or a rottweiler’s weight in chihuahuas. Now, meet your adversaries.

The man guestures behind him. Five figures clad in fashionable japanese science fiction suits, each sporting a different color, walk forward. Each, in turn, perfectly perfoms a few karate maneuvers.

“The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.”

The man pauses for a second to let the powerful silence affect the room. Then, in a loud, ringing voice that echoes throughout the great halls of the palace, the man shouts.

“Let the Mortal Kombat(TM) Begin!”

So John, who do you think will win this match of Kung-Fu Fighting?

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

vs.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


The Commentary


JOHN: Joe, this one is quite obvious – the Power Rangers romp all over the Turtles. The reasons for this are legion.

First, it’s not clear that the Turtles will be 100% going in to this match up. Face it – they live in a sewer and hang around with a giant rat. A giant mutant rat. Which is swimming with giant mutant diseases. A group of combatants who live with giant mutant tapeworms living in their teenage mutant ninja intestines won’t have the extra edge they need against the properly-vaccinated suburban Rangers.

Also, one notices that the Turtles use a variety of ninja weaponry in their battles – the nunchuks, the sai, the quarterstaff (known colloquially as a stick)…Yes, yes, all very good. What do the Rangers have? Why, the Zords! There’s a zord for every day of the week, much like brand name pharmaceuticals (to put this into context for my debate opponent). Fire-breathing zords, lightning producing zords, animal zords, not to mention the ultraomegazord that shows up at the end of every episode and smacks the opposition clean on the noggin. Just saying the word “powerzord” feels good doesn’t it? I challenge you to say it and not stain yourself! When it comes to weapons, edge to the Rangers.

Quality of opposition is another benchmark. While the Turtles face off against an incompetent, confusingly Americanized ninja (can you say “Chris Farley”?) and a squishable wee pink brain whose major goals seem to be taking over channel 13, the Rangers week after week take on the minions of Lord Zed and Rita Zed (nee Repulsa), King and Queen of a whole other DIMENSION, aiming to conquer Earth, starting with its most important city, Angel Grove.

Finally, the clincher. Those three words that Joe dreads to hear. The three words that define the essence of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: Former. Child. Actors. Yes, much like their predecessors Danny Bonnaduce, Drew Barrymore, Todd Bridges, Dana Plato and the cast of Full House (come on, you know they are up to no good), the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, lifted high during their period of stardom, have now plumbed new depths of depravity with their fall. By now, the Blue Ranger is whacked out on PCP, Yellow and Green Ranger are robbing liquor stores after too many G&Ts, and the Red Ranger is elbowing Eddie Murphy aside for face time with transsexual prostitutes. These people are on the edge of society and will fight with the raw energy that only former child actors can wield.

JOE: John, it seems you are a bit confused on this matter, but never fear, I’ll set things straight for you.

First of all, you believe living in the sewer is a disadvantage. Well, let me tell you the story of another sewer-dweller. His name is Dolph Lundgren as The Punisher(TM). Dolph lived in the sewer. Dolph kicked butt. Need I say more? Well, I will. I remind you the only competent superhero from The Tick(TM) (yes, Sewer Urchin(TM)) lives in the sewer. I can just picture it now. The Power Rangers get into the ring, but hey, wait a minute, they’re not used to all those sewer diseases the Turtles carry with them. It’s like Columbus versus the Indians. While the Power Rangers are coughing and hacking up flem all over arena, the Turtles will beat them to death with a wide assortment of sticks and swords.

PowerZord!?! That’s not a cool word. It sounds like a breakfast meal at Denny’s. (“Hi, can I have the Grand Slam Powerzord? Sure, would you like sausage or bacon with that?”) Frankly, the Zords have been in need of a tune up ever since they were stolen from Voltron’s junkyard. And you want to talk about Americanized ninjas! The Power Rangers with their goofy jump suits that look like they were found on a bad 1950’s science fiction movie set are supposed to be real Japanese ninja’s? Chris Farley could kill every one of those pansies. Also, does it ever tell you what kind of dimension Lord and Rita Zedd own? It’s probably an entire dimension of little furry teddy bears named Merv who walk around and say, “I love you” in a disgustingly cute voice.

You did bring up one valid point. The Former Child Actor phenomenon will be the only thing that will remotely enable the Power Rangers to stay in the fight. This, however, will not let them win. First, let’s talk about battle cries. Do the Power Rangers have a primal, fierce sounding battle cry that instills fear in their opponents? No. The Turtles always let out a mighty, “COWABUNGA!” before they enter a battle, or a pizza box. That kind of might cannot be dealt with. Their battle cry will enable the Ninja Turtles to go into the fight at 137% of their capabilities, which is 136% more than they need to whoop up on a few show-offs from Angel Grove.

Second, the Turtles are masters with each weapon (Donatello is good with that stick). They are using REAL karate weapons not Zords. When a ninja gets his hands on a ninja weapon, everybody runs, and so should the Power Rangers. Zords cannot stand up to the quick reflexes of a ninja and his Nun-Chucks. FYI, Nun-Chucks are short for, “Not gonna take nun crap from the Power Rangers.” I suspect that the Turtles will eat the Power Rangers for breakfast (at Denny’s) and finish it off with a big slice of pepperoni Pizza.

JOHN: That’s it? That’s your rebuttal? I might as well just quit here while I’m ahead and start quoting cool passages from the Book of Revelations. Years of Denny’s food have obviously impacted your critical reasoning faculties. However, like most sports fans I appreciate a blow-out, so out come the brass knuckles.

First of all, if you really believe that line about “it’s not the technology of the weapons, it’s how you use it”, then how’s about you meeting me with that stick in a blind alley. I’ll bring an Abrams tank and we’ll see who comes out on top.

From a dietary standpoint, the Turtles are in serious trouble. Hey, I like pizza too, but it’s not the only friggin’ thing I eat. Ten to one, when the battle gets going, the Turtles’ colons blow out. Easy pickins for the Rangers. (P.S. Joe: Sewer Living = Rickets). I also notice that you spend no time talking about the fifth member of the turtles’ team, Casey Jones. Not surprising, since he is hardly an asset. The point is this: Casey Jones is a bad Canadian actor (helloooo “Malarek”). In this way, he is like Alan Thicke. You have placed the curse of Thicke on the turtles, a curse from which neither they nor any televised program shall ever recover. I predict Jones will chainsaw his own head off in the first twelve seconds.

I would like to address my final appeal of the night not to Joe, but to you, the home viewing audience. The People(tm). Once in a generation, the tools of democracy allow you to send a message. I am asking you to cast your vote for the Rangers tonight to punish Corey Feldman. Yes, you remember Corey, star of such memorable pictures as “Licence to Drive”, “The Goonies”, “Meatballs IV (Happy Campers)” and the television series “Dweebs”. Corey was, of course, the voice of stick-wielding Donatello in TMNT movies I through III. My fellow Grudge Matchers, enough is enough. I urge you to utilize the democratic franchise below to send a message to Hollywood executives. Your vote may not be the thing that stops production on “Meatballs V”… but then again, it just might.

Thank you, and good night.

JOE: Yeah sure, John, you’re ahead if we are digging to China, because from where I’m standing, it looks like you are about six feet under with your Powerless Ranger pals. Oh no, and Abrams tank. I’m scared now. In The Last Crusade(TM) I saw Indiana Jones(also TM) take out a German Tank with a horse(not TM) and a rock(TM).

And from a dietary standpoint, the Turtles will have no problem. After two weeks in college, I am technically an expert on the adverse affects of pizza on the colon and I can assure you there are none. In fact, pizza is often considered a “Breakfast of Champions” worthy of its own cereal box. (New Sugar Coated Pizza Bites, they’re Grrrreeeaat!). Do the Power Rangers have a Breakfast of Champions every morning? I don’t think so. And lets talk about Casey Jones. Canadian Actor, yes. Alan Thicke, no. I rather compare Casey Jones to Michael J. Fox, who is probably the coolest thing to ever come out of Canada. (Well, except Canadian Bacon). Yes, with the combined Theme Song(TM) power of Michael J. Fox (Back to the Future(TM)) and Indiana Jones (Indiana Jones(TM)), the Turtles will clinch this victory in a matter of minutes.

As for Corey Feldman, you are digging you’re own grave here. First you bring up the Former Child Actors for your side, and it is negated by the Former Child Actor on our side. Corey Feldman is no worse than Danny Bonnaduce or Drew Barrymore. I don’t recall Drew Barrymore or Danny Bonnaduce ever starring in a National Lampoon(TM) movie.

Finally, I wish to thank Steve and Brian at the Grudge Match for letting us do this scenario as well as my esteemed colleague John for his insightful words about the Power Rangers. Now I put it to you there in Grudge Land. Who will win? Will it be the Japanese Kung Fu Circus Performers or the Annoying Giant Mutated Amphibians?


Thanks to the many, many people that suggested this battle

Special thanks to Joe “Some Dork” Weber and John “Thinkmaster General” Hnatyshyn for filling in as guest commentators.


The Results


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1967)

edge out

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (364)


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Voter Comments

Note: Due to the overwhelming number of responses to this match, we have once again been forced to bring in the IRON FIST (TM, soon to be a movie starring Louis Gossett jr.). We have unfortunately had to limit the number of responses published, and some very good submissions were left off the sheet.

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (TM)

The Power Rangers couldn’t defeat the cast of Saved By the Bell ™. First off, these child “actors” have less combined acting ability than a head of lettuce. Second, the Rangers stunt doubles have physiques resembling heroin addicts. Then, to top it all off, they only have ONE plot. That’s right, for each episode they just make copies and then fill in the blanks. For those lucky ones who have never seen the show, here is a Grudge Match Exclusive ™, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Plot ™:

1. One or all of the Rangers are confronted with some conflict in their amazingly dull personal/professional lives.
2. The head bad guy, coming up with a new plan to take over the world which suspiciously is almost exactly the same as the last plan, sends the Loser Monster of the Week ™ to destroy the Rangers.
3. Rangers get their pathetic butts kicked by said loser despite the fact that the baddie can’t lift his arms over his head because of the ill-fitting rubber suit.
4. Rangers regroup and spend a couple of hours trying to find a weakness, only to discover something so obvious that Forrest Gump could have figured it out in ten seconds.
5. Rangers confront the monster and defeat it but only after getting their said pathetic butts beat up again.
6. Monster is transformed into a Giant Loser Monster of the Week (tm) which looks as menacing as the San Diego Chicken.
7. Rangers call in the Zords and defeat this terrible enemy in about two minutes (3 seconds if you eliminate the stock footage) and gain the undying love of the citizens despite destroying half the city in the carnage. (EXCEPTION: Once a season, the Zords get wasted and replaced by new ones, just in time to ship to the toy stores for the Christmas rush).
8. Personal/professional conflict is resolved in a deus ex machina so sickeningly sweet that Barney the Purple Dinosaur would barf.
9. Run bloopers that go to prove that no matter how bad the Jenny McCarthy Show becomes, it can be much worse.
10. For miniseries, repeat steps 1-9.

In a daring midnight raid, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles break into the Power Rangers base and steal their photocopier. Without Xerox ™ to “write” the plot for them, the various “actors,” stunt doubles and Zords wander around aimlessly they get put out of their misery in appropriately hideous ways.

FATALITY! FLAWLESS VICTORY!

– Paul Golba


ROTW ™ Silver Medal Winner ™

As compelling as John’s reasons are for the supremacy of Power Rangers over Ninja Turtles, I’m afraid they just weren’t enough. Not to worry, though – I voted for the Rangers due to reasons of my own.

You see, I was one of the original TMNT fans. Before the movies, before the cartoons, before the glow-in-the-dark fire-retardant 100% polyester pajamas. Back in the early eighties when they were just a cheap-looking black-and-white printed-on-newsprint comic book with a press run of only a few thousand copies.

Two guys in western Massachussetts decided to create a book that was at once a parody and a homage to the hot trends in the comics industry, which were: collectives of superpowered teenagers, mutants, ninjas, and anthropomorphics (using animals as people, like Orwell’s “Animal Farm”). Mix all this together, and, voila, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Style-wise, they ripped off Frank Miller’s writing and art styles from his run on Marvel’s Daredevil (that’s where the major ninja influence came from, too). It was dark, it was grim, it was nicely violent. True comics noir.

Then came popularity. Multiple print runs. Screaming hordes of wanna-be capitalist brats buying dozens of copies, betting that values would skyrocket. Crossovers with other comics characters from other publishers. Licensing agreements for books like “How to Draw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” and “Donatello’s Guide to Martial Arts”. A spin-off book published by the Archie folk, featuring the Turtles but aimed at the five-year old crowd. And so on.

They went Hollywood, John. And it pisses me off, because for a while, the book was really good.

That’s why I voted for the Power Rangers. Because I can hold a grudge with the best of them.

Neil Polowin


ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Winner ™

To figure out whol’ll win, just look at the names. The power rangers are all named after colors and the turtles are all named after painters. What (rhetorically) do you think painters do with colors? They mop the canvas with them.

– Klee



Casey Jones may be stupid, but she can’t be dumber than the wetback robot that the Power Rangers have pulling their strings every show. And yes, the turtles are led by a mutant, revolting rat – that definitely beats a diesmbodied Robert Urich head floating in a tank.

As far as the Zords showing up on the scene, I don’t think the Mortal Kombat entities would allow them to get involved in the first place. Besides, the turtles would dismember the Power Rangers as they were pulling their groovy ‘call the armadillo zord’ moves…

– Whit Fisher


This is an amazing gimme! The turtles are seen plowing through dozens of ninjas each on a daily basis. They are also cartoons which have survived many,many situations that would kill the live actor Power Rangers. Even the Turtles action figures are sturdier than the cheap Power Rangers! True ninjas will dominate even child actors any day. Leo on his own would take these losers out and force them to turn in their SAG cards. By the way, it’s a Bo staff than Don wields so well.

– Wallace H.


I must say that I have to agree with Joe on the dietary intake of the turtles. A strict diet of pizza and Mt. Dew(tm) not only gives one the strength of 10 mortal men, but the occasional Rage(tm) as well. Rage(tm) from what, you ask? Gastrointestinal distress. Can you say Gas Bubble? Get a big one lodged in there, and it’s enough to piss you off so bad that nobody will even dare look at you cross-eyed. Give me a Dew and a stick, and I’ll make Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” look like a wuss.

The Power Rangers are a bunch of crack-smoking sissies in tights. You’d have to be on drugs to take orders from The Big Giant Head(tm). Weapons? Sure, the zords are cool. They’re the only reason the Rangers ever win a fight. They get their butts kicked, scream for their zords, push a button, sit back, and enjoy the show while the big robot slaps around a two-bit thug leftover from a Godzilla movie. But you forgot about one thing….the Turtles’ van! ‘Tis got more gadgets than a zord, is smaller and more maneuverable, and blends in with the surroundings (good for ambushes). Not to mention the microwave and refrigerator for a middle-of-the-fight snack of pizza and pop.

But I believe the main weapon will be the sixth, yes, sixth person that joins the Turtles and Casey in their quest to kick some Ranger tail…. Amy Jo Johnson, former Pink Ranger(tm) and by far the toughest of them all. Borrowing a stick from Casey and doing a little highsticking of her own, the babe in pink is back, kicking ass and taking names……

Turtles, Casey, and Amy in 2 minutes ten.

– Scott


Teenage Morphing Ninja Rangers vs. Mighty Mutant Power Turtles

They both suck.

They don’t necessarily suck as ideas, but as ideas that got killed, folded, spindled, and mutilated by the American Money Machine.

TMNT started as a comic, and a not-too-bad one at that. It had blood, swearing, dismemberments, all that great stuff for kids. It was a literary view into the mind of an outcast in a city full of outcasts. It gave insight into human nature… ok, I’m full of crap, it was bloody and it was cool. But then the Capitalist Market took over, and sold it into a cute little cartoon with colored belts and matching headbands, typical mindless plot, grating voices, and painful catch phrases that mentally scarred countless numbers of karate instructors, surfers, and Californians. (As if they need any MORE therapy)

And then there’s the movie. Even though it had Jim Henson’s Creature shop (+1) and real Martial Artists in the fights, (+1) it had no “Braveheart School of Acting” dismemberments (-1) and it had Ernie Reyes Jr. (-5)

Now for MMPR, the Capitalist Machine took stock Japanese footage from an ancient show, and recycled it (reduce, reuse, recycle) into an American abomination. They spliced in some yuppie kids from the Chuck Norris / David Carradine school of Karate who I would personally love to see trying to “morph” in some dark alley against some bad guys who aren’t made of clay. Then, three of the future “former child actors” wanted more money, got fired, and then got replaced with other kids, yet still kept the ethinc, gender balance of the team. “Sorry Jane, we already HAVE an Asian female. We can’t be too ethnic.”

Then there’s the movie. I didn’t see it, but you gotta strap me down, shove in the eyeclamps, and play some Ludwig Van before I’ll ever do that. Only thing I know about the movie (by word of mouth, I swear) is that some guy gets kicked in his Mighty Morphing Private Parts, and I can just see the ideas some kids are gonna be getting from that. I refuse to mention the sequel on general principle.

So who would win? As capitalist money makers that want to be the next Cabbage Patch Kid, or Tickle Me Elmo, they both tie for a rating of: “Bloated Money Grubbers.” Just below “Rent Out Your Mother”, but well above “2nd Offer Sell-out.” But as a show I would rather watch than have a body cavity search from the six fingered man? I would choose neither, grit my teeth, and try to think happy thoughts.

– Jeff the Cyan Ranger Turtle


Two precedents from the last match send the Ninja Turtles to defeat:

#1: Anybody with a giant rat on their side is doomed.
#2: Canadians can’t win a Grudge Match(tm) to save their lives — in this case, literally.

Sorry about that, HotBranch!, but facts are facts. The Power Rangers kick shell and take names.

– Call me Shane

Oh the irony -ed


Turtles will take it handily, if we’re using the original version (i.e: the black and white comic version) Here’s why:

Power Rangers don’t kill anything unless it’s the size of a building. The original Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles don’t have this problem, even if they all stood on eachother’s shoulders, they wouldn’t be tall enough to require calling out a Zord, and how often have Saban’s little cronies ever taken out something without them, hmmm? And as for what the Turtles won’t kill… well, let’s just say they won’t have THAT limitation. (if you’re dealing with the animated ones, then all bets are off on this point, but I’d say we’re dealing with the originals, judging form the sample picture)

Second, Power Rangers have weapons that may work great on “aliens”, but basically, all they are is large sparklers that have a kick and tend to leave small scorch marks and not much else. This is verses the Turtles blades and blugeoning weapons which… well, cut, stab, and blugeon. Alot. And they’ve had a lot of practice cutting, stabbing and blugeoning.

Third, the turtles have been trained as ninja, which theoretically means they know how to hide, how to be sneaky, and how to slip up on an enemy and gut them. When was the last time you saw a Power Ranger act subtle?

Fourth, Spandex verses shells. Now THERE’s a toughie.

Turtles take it, with enough Power Ranger Pate left over for pizza topping

– Mea


The Power Rangers wallow in wretchedness; they are the Pufnstuf of the nineties. Their pitiable “zords” are little more than walking pinatas. Do you think a “zord” will assist against the Power Rangers’ own sheer ineptitude? Do you? Stop thinking it then, for you are the wrongest voyager on Spaceship Earth.

The Turtles are irrelevant. Sheer self-loathing will do in the Rangers. Let me tell you, if I was a Power Ranger I would do my duty by God and Country to take my own life along with those of my Ranger amigos. Postal tactics, if you follow. And you do; quit squirming.

I say to you that he who accepts the Power Rangers as human…as ORGANIC…that man is low. The kind of man who’d engage in a sissy slap-fight with Fabio instead of dispensing Aluminum Bat Justice. The kind of man who’d pine for Minmei instead of lust for Lisa. THE KIND OF MAN WHO HUMS TO HANSEN.

The Power Rangers will be broken, as they deserve.

Except the Pink Ranger.

– The Dark Twit


as i dust off my vanilla ice cd, i wonder if those turtles still have it in them? they aren’t teens anymore folks. they are twenty-somethings with revised agendas. my cousin used to know a kid who was a power ranger and from what i hear, they have a very intense training regiment. they’re very much like the amish community. disciplined and committed to the martial arts. not that the amish community is into the martial arts but it’s the commitment and discipline thing i was really chasing there. the morphs are positive kids with a great message- work out, don’t do drugs, don’t fall into peer pressure, etc. i heard another interesting fact about the morphs. they only listen to the supergroup UP WITH PEOPLE! i found that interesting. you wanna talk about an inspiring group of kids with positive attitude? UP WITH PEOPLE! it may be the deciding factor in this one. positive attitude. i say the morphs bitch slap the turtles with some serious positive attitude.

i really wish i had a girfriend…

– bile pump


Two reasons should suffice. 1. You had the class to show the picture of the comic book Ninja Turtles, not the idiotic screen versions of the turtles. Anyone who has read the comics knows the ass-kickings the turtles can dole out (when was the last time you saw blood everywhere and sai-impaled corpses on the power rangers?).

2. Secondly, David Yost, one of the original tv show Power Rangers, went to my high school. Joe is right. I can’t see any major contenders for Mortal Kombat coming out of that burb. The closest thing that school produced was a guy who went there several years later, and ended up getting his butt kicked in the Ultimate Fighting Championship a couple years ago.

My vote is for the ninjas.

– Rhinoceros


I voted for the Turtles for sentimental reasons, but I honestly feel that neither contestant is going to win. Why? Because Hong Kong is about to revert to Chinese rule. Just as our friends start to square off in the ring (on a lovely July 1st), the People’s Liberation Army races across the border, and immediately does what it does best, suppressing defenseless people (Tibet, Tianamen Square etc.).

A battalion of Type 90 tanks will find our kung-fu fighting friends and make short work of them (since they are all about supporting freedom and such). As to the remarks that anyone can take out a tank, these 80 ton monsters are ages beyond that World War I tank that Indy destroyed in the Last Crusade (and he was helped from the inside). The turtles decorate the tanks treads, and the Power Rangers discover that they have holes in their bodies 125mm in diameter. End of Story.

– Lord High Inquisitor for Gobyldygook


Being an actual martial artist, I really hate to vote for either one of these practitioners of what I like to call movie-do. However, I’m gonna have to vote for the turtles for one simple reason, they’re (supposedly) ninja. Ninja are trained in the arts of concealment and surprise, and therefore would be able to wipe out the Powder Rangers before they ever knew what hit ’em. My guess is that they’d send in Casey Jones spouting wonderful Canadian-isms (Take off, eh!), thus confusing the Rangers and lulling them into a false sense of security. Just a guess, though.

– T-roy


Turtles all the way. (Though John, I do respect the Rickets reference). Hand to hand, the Power Rangers always get their asses kicked, by globs of clay, no less (Gumby and Pokey could take them). The Turtles always cranked on “the Foot” ™. So, okay, the Rangers call for their Zords (“Mastadon, Triceratops, Ocelot, Lemur”). No biggie. The Turtles destroyed Shredder’s Technodrome ™ what, once an episode? No help for the Power Pansies there. Game, set, match Turtles. By the way, the REAL Breakfast of Champions(tm) is Wegmanns Cherry Cola and three Advil, not pizza.

– Alejandro


A noble effort Joe, but you’ve hitched your wagon to the wrong star today. Those turtles don’t have a chance against the Power Rangers.

While it is true that the turtles are probably more skilled warriors, the simple fact is they never finish what they start. As soon as they start to win they’ll stop fighting and start making stupid jokes. The rangers on the other hand always fight to win, and they know enough to press an advantage as soon as they have it. Come on think about it, the rangers kill some new monster every episode, they’ve slaughtered hundreds of beings. How many people have the turtles actually killed?

Of course the superior mental conditioning of the Rangers is not the only advantage they have. Even if they start to lose, the Rangers can use the physical beauty of the Pink Ranger to distract the horny and extremley lonely turtles, the often cited BABE Factor (TM). Then they can use the technobabble powers of the Blue Ranger to create some inverse mutation pulse ray to send the Turtles back to living in a glass bowl, the Star Trek Factor (TM). And even if the Rangers lose a member or two, they’ll just have Zordon keep sending them new Rangers and better weapons. They tend to run through Rangers pretty fast anyway, so what is one or two dead members, and its not like any of the Rangers have distinct personalities anyway. They are all just cogs in Zordon’s killing machine, and today their power is turned on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Maybe if this matchup took place in America, the turtles could get EPA protection, but since its being held overseas, they are about to be taken off the protected species list (I assume that is the only reason their show is still on the air) permantently.

– Brendan W. Guy


Ok lets look at the match ups. Leonardo vs. Red Ranger: Leo has always showed cool in the face of battle and is extremely flexible in any battle situation. The Red Ranger no matter what his identity has not had a plan more clever than ” summon the Mega-whup ass zord”.

Point one for the turles.

Donotello vs. the Blue Ranger: Billy would have had a chance, but now the blue Ranger is just an 8 year old brat with a mexican wrestling midget for a stunt double. Don whups him with out breaking a sweat.

Turtles 2 Power Rangers zeo,oops I mean Zero.

Rafele vs. The Green Ranger: Umm Tommy might have had a chance, but does anyone actually know who the new green Ranger is? Does anybody care? Raf ain’t gonna be losing any sleep over this guy.

Turtles 3 Rangers luv.

Michelangelo vs. Pink Ranger: This is a real meaning of the minds. Mike will probubally bumble this one allowing the Rangers to score a victory.

Turtles 3 Rangers 1

Splinter vs. Yellow Ranger: “Eww a big rat” Splinter’s creepy looks win this one with out a single blow being landed.

Turtles 4 Rangers – getting there rear kicked at 1.

Spinter vs. Zordon: ” I repeat do not look behind the curtain”. It turns out that Zordon is realy the Wizard of Oz. Splinter does some whupping again.

Kinda one sided ain’t it.

April vs. Alpha 5 or 6: That annoying robot has had it comming to him for a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGG TIME! Considering that April has had a Ninja Newcaster action figure, and Alpha’s figure does nothing, April will have to take this one.

Dear lord this is a blood bath. 6 – 1

Beebop and Rocksteady vs. Goldar and Rito Revolto: Beebop and Rocksteady whip out thier lazer cannons fire millions of shots that miraculously don’t hit anything. Golda and Rito whip out there swords which cause sparks to fly out but are too dull to do any actual damage. A total stalmate until Lord Zed makes Goldar and Rito grow, they then procede to stomp Beebop and Rocksteady into the ground.

6- 2.

Shredder vs. Lord Zed,Rita/King Mondo/Divatrox, or who ever else is the current bad guy in Power Rangers. Ok all of the Power Ranger Villians have the same basic plan. “lets send down a monster to Angle Grove and then make it a realy big monster.” Shredder is more versital and smarter than theese 4 combined.

7-2.

Irma and Vernon vs. Bulk and Skull: In the old Bully days Bulk and Skull could bodyslamm theese 2 into the ground. As cops Bulk and Skull could take out Irma and Vernon in under 2 minets. But theese two have been replaced by Monkeys and well Irma and Vernon can handle Monkees.

8-2.

Technodrome (hijacked by the turtles) vs Ultra Mega Zeo Zord: All information on the Technodrome makes it appear to be as dangerous as the death Star. However the Techndrome has a nasty habit of being logded underground,in ice, or in Dimension X. Meanwhile Voltron will probubally choose this as the moment to kickt the Ranger’s rears around for stealing there spare parts. A draw.

8-2

Casey Jones and Usagi Yojimbo vs. Ninjor and The Alien Rangers: WHAHAHAHA! Having read many of Usagi’s comics, Usagi will have the Alien Rangers Disembowled in under 10 seconds. Jones bashes Ninjor’s head in with a baseball bat.

9-2.

Total, lets just say that Chip ‘N’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers hold more of a threat to the Turtles than the Rangers do. Currently the Ninja turtles are currently just in comic form, meaning that they are right back where they started from. Meanwhile hundereds of Crapy Power Rangers action figures litter shevels of toy stores everywhere and aren’t selling. Both of their movies flopped (The Turtles had 1 good movie), and practically all of the orginaly cast of the show are gone. Face it the Power Rangers are on their death bed.

– kARMACIDE


Pathetic. Truly pathetic. I’m sorry, John, but no amount of eloquence, no quality of argument, absolutely nothing could offset the incredible public animosity toward the doomed Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. You may as well have chosen the five combatants to be Barney, Doogie Howser, Sunshine Bear, Wesley Crusher, and Richard Simmons. Okay, maybe not Richard Simmons, who could potentially take the Turtles by surprise if some Sweatin’ to the Oldies (TM) tunes came on. But I digress.

Furthermore, you must examine the richness of background, the depth of plot, the intellectual appeal of the Turtles. Neglecting the movies, as any rational human would do, and concentrating instead on the cartoons and comic books, we find a wealth of allies, enemies, and subplots unapproached by the mentally meager Mighty Morphers. Krang in his Technodome, a huge alien complex on tank treads! More extradimensional travel than your average Deep Space 9 episode (and yet far more believable)! And mutants-a-plenty! This stuff is not only fascinating and sophisticated; it also is more educational than even last week’s match!

And John, I’m with you on the Corey Feldman thing regarding Licence to Drive and Meatballs IV. But when you start deriding The Goonies, you are deriding one of the true classics of cinematography. The way I figure, Sloth alone (remember lovable ol’ Sloth?) could take out the Power Rangers if the mysterious figure with the raspy, vaguely Scottish accent offered a Babe Ruth bar to the winning party. But again, I digress….

Finally, the casual treatment of Casey Jones…. Who cares if he is a Canadian actor? The Casey Jones of my fond memory is a cartoon, thus defying petty localization. But more to the point, he has a voice somewhere between Darth Vader and the Godfather. He wears a broken hockey mask 24 hours a day! He vandalizes and destroys public property for no particular reason, smashing garbage cans, lamp posts, and mail boxes with reckless abandon! His grasp on reality wavers constantly, and his temper would make Mr. T cower in fear! His weapons of choice are a couple of beaten up hockey sticks or baseball bats, for god’s sake!!! Must I spell this out for you?!! Casey Jones has THE RAGE!!! (TM). Nay! Casey Jones IS the RAGE (TM)! More than Pee Wee Herman, Itchy, Garth, Tattoo, Rainman, or even–yes–even Beavis in Cornholio guise, Mr. Jones embodies all that is RAGE (TM)! Yes, he alone could defeat the Power Rangers, and I’m afraid that after his brutal assault had subsided, after the jarring echoes of crushing bones had disappeared into silence, there would be nothing–absolutely nothing–left for the rottweiler or the rottweiler’s weight in chihuahuas except a few brighly colored pieces of polyester/nylon/acrylic blend fabric…. ‘Nuff said.

My friends, this one goes to the Mean Green Fightin’ Machines faster than you could say “Turtle Power!”

– Sabasilo


1. A canadian is going up against rangers. The Canadians have more Stanley Cups then the Rangers.
2. I used to be one of those idiots who went t kids parties dressed up as a Turtle and a Ranger. My first boss paid me $60/hr to be a turtle, and my second boss paid me $50/hr to be a ranger.

Personally, I pick the Turtles to win because they pay more.

– Budo


You’re missing something important here: if you put the TMNT and the PR together in one room, the accumulated loathing will be enough to cause a rift in the space-time continuum. Barny and PeeWee Herman, the only beings higher on the International Loathing Scale, will step through this rift, lauging maniacally – the champions of the Outworld! Although the TMNT and PR will quickly unite to repulse this dastardly threat to All We Hold Dear, it will be in vain. The UN, seeing it’s chance, will authourize a massive nuclear strike on the arena, and nuclear disarmament will be a happy side effect of the destruction of these four Chtuloid horrors.

– martinl


It’s a classic match up. At first, the cocky Ninja Turtles seem certain to make short work of the Power Rangers. The wimpy black Power Ranger is in more trouble than Michael Jackson at a Parents Without Out Partners ice cream social; he crumbles–his neck snapped by a well-aimed numbchuck. Blue Ranger is impaled and screams like a five-year-old deprived of his Ninja Turtles sippee cup. Things look bleak for the Rangers! But just then one of the previous yellow Power Rangers, Trini, that sexy, lithe oriental girl comes out of retirement and returns. Screaming “heeeeeeee-yaaaaaai!!!” Trini does a back flip and executes some authentic kung fu steps. The horny turtle boys are too busy staring at her cute yellow nylon-clad butt to react in time.

She kicks Rapheal right between his hind legs–OFFF!–saying “Kowabunga THIS mister!” Then Trini tosses the rest of the stunned turtles into a pot of boiling water. End result: Turtle soup Hong Kong style for everyone!

– Bo Dole


<sycophant> Great guest commentary, guys. You two are a credit the Grudge (TM). </sycophant>

The Power Rangers are infintiely more irritating than the Turtles. Even the theme music sticks in your head and incites violent behavior. Therefore, the Turtles are going to get REAL pissed when they hear the Power Rangers’ theme, and open up a can of Whoopass (TM).

Secondly, the Power Rangers have done a lot of damage to traditional martial arts, whereas the Turtles aided said tradition. When the Turtles first got popular, tons of kids joined martial arts schools around the country. They were well-behaved and easy to handle, probably because the Turtles are well-disciplined and respect their rodent sensei. The Power Rangers, on the other hand, talk to a head in a jar and a midget that says “AI-YI-YI” all the time. They’re smartass teenagers, and the fans that joined dojos afterwards are just as bad (“Why can’t I wear a pink uniform, when do I get to use weapons…”) If the Rangers are in any danger of winning, the arena will be stormed by REAL martial artists (me, my instructor, Bruce’s and Brandon’s ghosts, etc.) and teach those pastel punks a lesson in humility.

And since when do the Power Rangers have tough opposition, John? Every week, it’s the same thing (believe me, I hear it from the kids at the dojo). They fight a monster, the monster becomes gigantic, they make their mecha and beat it. The Turtles have to deal with something different each time. They can adapt to different tactical situations (as any true martial artist can), whereas the Rangers can only fight one battle. (I heard that they were all gymnasts in real life–that’s why they can only do one thing).

Finally, the Power Rangers are completely unoriginal. They are an American bastardization of every Japanese children’s show since Voltron. The Turtles are, face it, original. That alone makes them superior.

– Phil


Let me begin by saying that both teams are loathsome – my seven-year- old gave both up them up two years ago.

The thing that both commentators missed is that translation from Kanji, Hiragana or Katagana (Japanese characters) to Romanji (Western letters) is not exact. The Japanese equivalent is simply pronounced in ways that sometimes cannot be captured in Western letters. This leads to there being more than one way to spell a given word. The ‘Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ can also be spelled (in Western letters) My Tea Morphine Pow Arrangers. If those masked kids need a fix, don’t get in the way – even if you do have a Ninja Stick ™. Just set the time about 8 hours since their last dose of ‘Zord Juice’ (tm) and they will claw their way THROUGH the turtles to get to the ‘Sushi in a Hypo'(tm)before you can say ‘onegaishimasu’. Morphine Pow Arrangers in 10 minutes under those circumstances or 8 hours and 10 minutes worse case. Sayonara, Turtles-san-yo!

– Cerberus


I know the Turtles will win simply because they are more popular but I have to look at this realistically. Imagine what would happen when The Rangers and Turtles fight in some high street at night (as they always seem to in both programs). Sure, a passer by might laugh at the pyjama antics of the Rangers but as soon as someone sees the Turtles a huge lynch mob will form and burn the mutants as heretics.

Besides the fact that the Turtles have nothing that can penetrate the Zoids defenses, besides the fact that all the Rangers have guns, have you seen that cannon they sometimes use which takes all four of them to fire? All the Turtles have is a sword, a stick, a pair of large forks and some weedy nun-chuckas.

The final and most important point however is that as soon as the Turtles attack they will see the Rangers in their bright day-glow God-aweful oxfam super heroes outfits and fall about laughing, leaving the Rangers to finish them off with a quick round of blows to the head.

– Napoleon


As the Power Rangers gear up for the melee, an unforseen complication disrupts their fighting: The Turtles, who spend way to much time in a sewer, stink to high heaven. To make matters worse, the high pizza content of their diets causes them to…um…well, let’s just say the Turtles have an extra gaseous attack from their nether regions and leave it at that, okay? The Rangers’ noses, clearly exposed by their wonky helmets, make them retreat to whatever Zord they happen to be using this week. The Turtles, seeing the clunky-looking mecha- Godzilla rip-off heading their way, respond the only way they can think of, by standingo n each other’s shoulders to get some elevation on this sucker. Donatello, on top, jumps into the cockpit and stinks up the joint so bad that the Rangers jump ship and flee for their lives. End of story.

– Reverend Seb.


This match all boils down to timing. By the time the rangers say “Superactionnameyourfavouritezordoftheweekandbuyourpowerzordtoyspower” the Turtles would have kicked their ass.

– Kurt


From your pictures, these aren’t the cartoon show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; these are the Eastman and Laird ninja-slayin’ dinosaur-killin’ universe-crossin’ cyborg-dicin’ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! The ones that your parents didn’t want you to know about!

This is even less of a match now! The Rangers have been tried in combat before, but never with a foe that was going to outright chop them up, as the Turtles will if they’re given half a chance.

No doubt about it; when kiddie shows meet independent comics, the comics are gonna whup up every single time. Not even the PowerZords can save the Rangers; after all, these are the Turtles that neatly took out roughly half of the Triceraton army, the Turtles who fought and killed about…say, five hundred enemy ninjas…above the streets of New York. Get me some Japanese Science-Fiction Multi-Colored Body Bags ™. This is gonna get ugly.

– Wanderer


Both the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers are kids’ shows. Kids may like these shows. Kids may enjoy the stupid monsters, flashy kicks & moves that’d get you killed in a real fight, and wise cracks of the characters in these shows. But I’m an adult. An adult male to be specific. A verile, vigorous and potent adult male. As such, I have to choose the Power Rangers. Why? ‘Cause the Mutant Turtles never have Amy Jo Johnson running around in shorts.

– Super Dave


Nooooo Way. There ain’t noooo way these two groups are gonna throw down. Why? Two reasons, sports fans:

Thing One: Parental “watchdog” associations. There isn’t a chance in Heck(tm) that the Parental Fundamentalist Guardians of the Truth(tm) and other such groups can let this one slide. We know these people blame the behavior of all their abusive, snotty, rat-larvae children on the wonders of violent TV; they’ll be all over this match like jackals on carcass.

Thing Two: Anime lawyers. Yes, you read me- Anime Lawyers. They’re a secret breed, they hide in places that the Men In Black(tm) don’t even know about. When a weakness in the Power Rangers’ defense shows itself, they’ll send out the “Voltron Protection Squad”- augmented by an advisory team from “Keep ‘Saved By the Bell’ Alive.” The derivative nature of the Power Rangers will leave them dying a slow death amid intellectual property suits and “Kelly vs. Amy Jo” tee shirts. They won’t get a spandex-sheathed paw on *any* of the Turtles. LEGALITY: 10,000 points

Prediction, based on the above: The match ends before it can start, the arena covered in “Save Ugly Children’s Karma” posters and “Zordon is Prince Lotor” bumper stickers. The Turtles(tm) will run- at least *they* can hide in the sewers.

– Tengu:


I really hate to say this,
The thought just makes me sick,
But those who weild nunchuks,
Sai, bo, sword, and hockey stick,
Though cunning and courageous,
Now face the odds most hideous;
The Law of Giant Robots stands,
Against this force amphibious.

Simply put, the Law declares
When backed into a corner,
Just join with your beleaguered friends
And form a great Transformer.
The amalgamated warrior’s
Sum is greater than the parts
(You wonder why the idiots
Don’t do it at the start)
The turtles gain an early lead,
They really mop the floor,
Until the Angel Grovers
Call upon their dinosaurs.
Orbots, Voltron, Ramrod,
Now the Power Ranger Troop
I’m sad to say the Megazord
Will dine on turtle soup.

– -John Hunter


Um, yuck. Just because, I’m not gonna vote for either the TMNT, or the MMPR. They both just suck way too much. Besides, Billy Kwan would kick all their asses (watch a little Almost Live…or refer to a few comments about the Beakman vs Bill Nye match). Hell, John Kiester would enter the battle, and it’d wind up as an abstract expressionist sculpture, with ugly colored helmets and large green shells making up the majority of it.

– Shadowhawk


It’s gotta be the Turtles all the way. Just think of the advantage they have not needing to turn in homework. Their minds are fresh, undulled by the draining drudgery of public school. Hey, just think how many skills you could learn living in a real public sewer.

– Don Pratt


Although the Power Rangers are merely a 20th century version of cannibalism, one fact still remains:

That there’s VOLTRON they’re riding in.

As soon as the Power Rangers form Voltron in a burst of Mentos-like goodness, Voltron shall appear, and the meek (Turtles) shall inherit the earth.

Through their faces.

– Brian Kutner


As annoying as they are, I gotta vote for the turtles. At least they take on some opponents that seem mildly dangerous. Anyone who fights villians dressed like rejects from “Godzilla vs. Mothra” couldn’t whip the pants off of a Ken(tm) doll. A better match for the “Power” Rangers would be the cast of “Saved By the Bell”.

– Tim Chesson


Oh come on, you must be kidding me. The mighty mutants will mop up the sewer with those pathetic anime wannabes before you can say Voltron.

First of all, there’s the nationality factor. The Turtles are as American as the 1997 Toyota Camry, which is pretty damn American! They are the quintessential American youth; for some of us, they WERE our youth. The mighty morphin puny rangers are some sort of Japanimation ripoff; they aren’t even cool enough to be real Japanese. I point to our nation’s record in combat against Japan–nuff said.

Secondly, let’s look at the generation factor. The Turtles belong to the same generation of cartoon watchers as such kickass cartoons as Voltron, Masters of the Universe, Thunderkats, etc. The kids who like the puke rangers cut their teeth on Barney, for smurf’s sake! I think we can make a pretty good case for guilt by association, here.

Finally, let’s look at the rat factor. That’s right, folks–the mighty Splinter!!! Rats managed to wipe out a significant fraction of the population of Europe during the Middle Ages, via bubonic plague. And these were dumb, regular rats! What with Splinter’s increased size, penchant for carrying deadly diseases, ninja skills, and a better education than most humans during the Middle Ages, the Terrible Terrapins will be unstoppable!!! The rangers? Apart from their rather mousy-looking faces, no sign of rodentia here. They’re doomed!

And by the way, I doubt that Casey Jones will be much of a factor, since he’ll probably be driving a train, high on cocaine. I just hope he watches his speed.

Conclusion: The U.S.A. rules, Barney sucks, and the Bubonic Plague is one NASTY sonuvabitch. Q.E.D., the Turtles in 5 minutes, plus the incubation period for the Black Death. The Rangers will be begging for a dose of that Mighty Morphine. My, what a long strange trip it’s been.

– Crazy Matt–Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know


This match is tough to call since I rewired my V-chip to automagically skip any station broadcasting TMNT or MMPR. I had to cast my vote based on the commentary, since my knowledge base is zero (on the subject and in real life!).

  • Real weapons vs Zords: Have to give the edge to the Turtles here. “Zords” sounds like something Shaggy would say while he’s being scared in mid-burp.
  • TMNT: 1 MMPR: 0

  • Former Child Actors: Past Grudge Matches have shown that Former Child Actors (FCAs) are not necessarily a handicap. Gary Coleman came out on top, and don’t forget that The Brady Bunch (replete with FCAs) beat the Patridge Family (who had only one real screwup among them, besides Kinkaid).

    TMNT: 2 MMPR: 0

  • Pizza vs Canadian bacon: Bart likes Krusty. Krusty sells pork products. Bacon (Canadian or not) is a pork product. Bart beat Calvin. Bacon is the Grudge Match Breakfast of Champions! (TM)
  • TMNT: 2 MMPR: 1

  • Kung-Fu Experience: Grudge History 101 (TM) teaches us that those who speak clearly emerge victorious (to wit: Gilligan vs PeeWee); the valley-speak of the Turtles exposes their inexperience to their clearer sounding opponents.
  • TMNT: 2 MMPR: 2

    I give the tie-breaker victory to the MMPR, because turtles are lousy, ungrateful pets that die if you look at them the wrong way… Whatever in the heck a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger might be, it must be able to last longer than my pet turtles.

    – HotBranch!


    Can’t we just throw both of these groups along with the Wondertwins, Barney, Wesley Crusher, AND Dick Vitale into a pit with their collective weight in Rottweilers AND chihuahuas?

    – Budo (upset about a stolen car :version 2.0)


    At the time I’m writing this, by the vote-counter, the Turtles are beating the Rangers about 5-to-1. No duh. We’re talking about a beloved cultural icon versus an ill-conceived, cheesey bunch of “Karate Kid 4” (“This time, its personal.”) rejects. Plus, when you get right down to it, we’re looking at American-made heroes against Japanese-made heroes. In the words of many a trailer-park patriot, “USA! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “Wooo,” indeed.

    – Cody Ackbare


    If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

    Superfriends v. X-Men
    Thundercats v. The Masters of the Universe
    Spider-Man v. The Tick

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