BIORHYTHMIC CELEBRITY MATCHMAKING
Saturday July 02nd 2005, 7:07 pm
Filed under: Raving

So Ferrari eX tunes me into his website and his post about this website that he found from World o’Crap that lets you discover your biorhythmic compatibility with many famous people you’ll never meet. I thought this beyond the normal stupidity range of web quizzes. But I also figured what the hell. It’s a Saturday and I have a few bottles of Hardcore to kill. Popped in my birthday.

Hmmmm…never heard of three of these guys. Heloooo, Google.

#1 Brian McKnight, a singer. Looks a little like Wayne Brady, which is a good thing, but probably isn’t half as funny. So no.
#3 Patrick Vieira. Soccer player, interesting, no picture. Next page. Captain of the Cardiff Arsenal club. Even more interesting, no picture, next page. Ah finally a picture…oh, HELL no.
#4 Erik Dikab. Dutch DJ who dresses like Hunter S. Thompson. I’m beginning to suspect that this thing is bullshit.
#2 and #5 I’ve heard of. Stuart Townsend and Josh Hartnett.

Yep, utter and complete BULLshit. And Ferrari eX is laughing his ass off about #2 and #5.

But then I thought, maybe it’s not your actual birthdate, but your intended birthdate. After all, I didn’t come under my own steam, my mother’s obstetrician was forced to go on a rescue mission to save both our lives. I was supposed to have been born in January. So I tried January 14, 1973. This time I’d heard of three out of the five, that’s better.

#5 Jeff Gordon. Well, he’s cute, in a mid-size shaggy puppy sort of way. But his voice squeaks. So no.
#4 Joe Sakic. I like Hockey, and he’s got this skinny Harry Connick thing going, so yeah, I could sit across a dinner table from that with no complaints.
#3 DMX. Hey, things are looking up, I like his music. Googling for a photo….not bad, not bad at all.
#2 Rob van Dam. Puh-LEEEEAZE. He looks like Fight Club’s Tyler Durdan after on a bad acid trip. I went to high school with more than enough of such mullet-topped blockheads to cure any itch of curiousity I might have had. Fortunately that itch just turned out to be an allergic reaction to cheap beer.
#1 Giancarlo Fisichella. Who in the hell is…oh. Oh hello. Oh my. Please tell me he doesn’t do something stupid like wrestle…a Formula One driver? SOMEBODY GET ME A FLIGHT TO ROME AND THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO FORMULA ONE RACING, STAT!!!

Then just for shits and giggles I decided to take the top five female matches. Real birthdate first. Five names I never heard of, they’re probably all models. I don’t even like swizzle sticks in my cocktails, much less in my bed, so this is probably a slate of negative responses. But check them out anyway.

#5 Alicia Minshew. An actress of sorts. She’s pretty in a girl-next-door sort of way. Let’s see, what has she done…lot’s of B-level crap but the running gig on a soap is an automatic disqualification.
#4 Denise van Outen. Morning talk show in the UK. Face is pretty enough, good body, too bleached and tanned for my taste. The photos on her site are almost porn and she’s obviously a girl who knows how to have fun. I like her!
#3 Elle van Rijn. Another Dutch actress, another girl next door type. Not for me. She’ll be in the new Deuce Bigolo flick.
#2 Alexandra Tydings Another actress, done a lot of the Hercules/Sheena/Xena genre TV stuff. So girl next door as to make you want to bitch about the junk in her yard.
#1 Tia Texada. Not a model, an actress to plays Cruz on “Third Watch”. Never seen it, going on four years since I had a TV. Hey, she’s not bad at all. And she does a lot of voice work. Nothing turns me on like a good voice…



No Comments so far



Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>

(required)

(required)